captain fighting machine
Recorded in Tasmania back in 2017, with Ben Salter, Adrian Stoyles, Mike Noga and Bridget Lewis. Donnie Miller engineered, then he and I mixed it back in Brisbane, out the back at Tym's. The songs had been kicking around, some more complete than others, for various lengths of time, but a recording deadline forced me to tidy everything up, finish ideas etc. A key early decision was for this to be a band record, so while on a lunch break at work, I called Mike to gauge his interest and availability. I have always loved his drumming, and we both loved Sparklehorse and Low. I had some clear ideas for the record - live tracking, minimum overdubs, space for arrangements to grow - but it was still a nerve wracking and somewhat confronting exercise, and I needed to be surrounded by people that gave me confidence and comfort.
Mike, Ben, Adrian and Bridget have always done that.
While mixing, Donnie and I re-recorded Auchenflower/Virginia (with assistance from Sam George-Allen on synth) and then dropped Victory Song off the final record in the interests of balance. This song will get its time at some point down the track.
Released in 2019. Thank you Marc and Aaron at Heart of the Rat, Cam Smith for mastering, and everyone that supported this record.
Conor
The Best Men Are Gone
Song about loss and grief. Long flights, longer nights.
A nod to the redemption of Bubbles, via David Simon
Have you sat out near the fire?
There's no shame in holding on to grief
as long as you make room
for other things
He did everything to toughen me
but I wasn't strong
the best men are gone
I smile and I make light, but
no one saw me on the flight
I Am Wherever You Are Mine
Written some time ago now, I spent time as a mystic.
Out of body experiences. It was the beginning of a new age.
An animal bone, lying weathered, recycled
Given new life, split and equal
Suppress it and hide
Teeth pulled, skin flayed
Time gets away
The sky, in light of the mountain
Casts a shadow, but it is nothing
The stage, beneath my shoulders
Raised our spirits
It's enormous
Teeth pulled, skin flayed
Time gets away
But a fire has been lit
The spirit has been hit
The spirit stills gives life, there's no need to eat your own
as we all fight to survive
I could be anywhere
I am beyond time
I am wherever you are mine
Our Children
I wanted to be part of it all. Wanted my heart to explode. Adrian remains a secret weapon.
We are two on a rock, with our children all about
The sun is in the water, and also sky and cloud
We are dragons, flying
and our children they do shout in joy, and exclamation
at things uncovered, found
We are on higher planes, while our children brush the ground
They wear our tears, as raindrops become flood with such a sound
we are deafened, we are fearful
yet our children have not drowned
They are reborn, and we are joined
in a life now free of doubt
To be a lake! to be a river! to be a wave upon the ocean!
To be great! to be fiercer! to be stronger! to be awesome!
We are two on our own
as our children are all grown
We keep their things the same
for when they will come home
My Friend Jimmy
Old man in the valley + the walkmen. Jimmy Stewart is a guiding light.
I should be at home
I've seen this show before
So many times before
It's time for me to go
It's like The Rat
with younger versions of me
and younger versions of you
younger versions of everyone we knew
My friend Jimmy says, "to sing is everything"
Maybe I'm not singing enough
Leave it in their hands
No one likes an old man
making me people sad
with shit that they don't understand
It's like The Rat
with younger versions of me
and younger versions of you
younger versions of everyone we knew
My friend Jimmy says, "to sing is everything"
Maybe I'm not singing enough
Without Rest
Oldest song on the record. Everything is temporary, but some things are less temporary than others.
Night after night after night after night. Know myself too well.
Oh stay, my oldest friend
You're slipping out again
You've been anchored in my chest
You've kept me safe from rest
Without rest I am aware
of everything that scares
And so I may prepare
I am strengthened when you're there
Oh, to be courageous!
To fight and not accept it
To remember there's no danger
in things that need be savoured
Don't leave, my oldest friend
It's on you that I depend
And as time moves to its end
I don't think I could begin again
How Quickly Do You Run?
Regional Queensland, 1990 – 2000. How quickly do you run? How quickly do you get out?
What happens when everything has always been in your head? What happens when there’s nothing left you can do?
Dreamt of dead birds, lying in the sun
Of dusty fields, of far off rain
We grew in the back country
I dreamt of home
Dreamt of empty skies, still air and the hum
of busted roads
of dirt and bones
We fought in the back seat
I dreamt of love
Dreamt of sleepless nights, filled with terror, sweat, and lies
of humidity
and the family tree
We burn off the back leaves
I dreamt of life
When you find that it's all been a dream
and you wake in the sapping heat
and you know that it's time to leave
else the crushing weight buckles your knees
How quickly do you run?
Heat
Brisbane 2011, and every summer since. 28 February 1983.
Things are going to get much worse, we need to be brave.
This heat is killing me
(though I am a child of summer)
This rain is scaring me
(though I am of water)
If I'm a coward, I'm brave for as long I know
If that makes me a coward, then I've been brave for as long as I know
CF Machine 2
The Captain escapes from the City, starts anew.
Reflective piece. Reflect in peace.
There’s a storm brewing and it’s going to overwhelm us all.
I gave up another life, and I'm sorry
But I'm not sorry enough, 'cause look at me now
Not so riddled with doubt (just enough to keep me honest)
No danger of getting too strong, of becoming unbearable
Who knows what might have been?
We could have been an unstoppable machine
But what kind of life is that?
Machines need to be maintained
else they rust
and fall apart
and become useless
and we're back at the start
with nothing to show but
another scar in our hearts
Auchenflower / Virginia
Written in two halves, years apart.
The first half fucked me up - cold rooms, silence and sleep paralysis.
The second half is all hope, love and warmth.
You are the third of two, maybe three
It's better than most, but it's no place to be
I was young then
I was a young man
Ghosts lie above me, their hands are on my throat
They are crushing my body, they are stealing all hope
I was young then
I was a young man
Now everyday we're as old as we've ever been
And everything I need I have here with me
Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself
Written as a stern reminder to myself, but I think I need to reconsider it as a gentle reminder.
Finish with some hope.
I once believed if I had the money
that all my plans would come easy
But they were unhealthy plans, for an unhealthy man
Sat myself down and said, 'Stop feeling sorry'
I took myself out, and I said,
‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and hold on.
Hold on.
You have beauty in your future, son.
So hold on.’
